Leap Of Faith

This is one of my favorite pictures. It is Wyatt, Phoebe and Ono jumping off the dock at Emerald Cove in Parker, AZ. We spend every summer there. It is pure bliss, the boat the water, the pools and the summer friendships that we have made. Normally at this time of year, I start planning for the summer trip to Parker. If I had a stressful day I would tell my self: "2 more months until we leave, 3 more weeks and I will be at the lake." It would always be the biggest stress relief. Life on the lake moves at its own pace. The biggest decision of the day is should we boat on the river or should we go to the lake. On the really hot days, we would head into Lake Havasu City for a movie and lunch at Chiles, where they have oven mitts on the door handles because the sun is so hot.:)

These summer trips are such a Blessing. I know what a rare privilege it has been to be a stay at home, homeschool mama and get to spend every day with my children. I have never taken that for granted. Stephen works very hard for all of us and these summers on the lake are an amazing gift. Water is the great equalizer for me. It is almost as though I can walk. I wear a swim belt(think Fonzie in the Jump The Shark episode), so in the water as I float, it looks like I am "standing".  In the water, I am not slower or hindered by accessibility issues like when I am on land. We even have swimm races and until the kiddos got bigger, I could win. They were always stunned that I could swim faster than them only using my arms. Also, I love that no one can tell I am in a wheelchair. No questions from strangers that boat by, no re-telling the "paralyzed" story for the 8 millionth time why I watch the kiddos roll their eyes.  I feel like just a normal mom. It is a huge Blessing.

This year we will not be going to Parker. There will be no boats, no moonlight swims and no catching up with friends. I will spend the summer staring at the ceiling and Praying that this spinal fusion will heal past 60% and I will be considered fixed. I will spend the summer listening to someone else doing my job as a mom. I will worry that Stephen will work himself to injury or exhaustion. I will worry endlessly about the cost of everything and what our life might look like if all the money we have dumped into this nightmare was spent on other things. I will watch my kids worry that their mom is recovering from another surgery. Once again, I will miss weeks of being the mom I want to be.

As a Christian we are told to worry is to sin. I Pray about this every day, I just do not know how to shut the worry down. I know that God is here. I know that He agonizes with us and is mindful that we are in a challenging season. I just do not know how to fully lean in and let go. Sometimes I get there, I get really close to that peace. The peace that this journey has a purpose and that in time none of this matters. I try and focus on that fact that I am here with my family, even if I am flat on my back. 

So instead of taking a leap off the dock into the lake, we will take a leap of Faith into the next chapter of our journey. We do not know what will happen, but we will cling to each other and to God and we will get through this. It won't be as fun as the lake, but God willing we will be there next summer.:)