Life Beyond The Chair

Today would be my mother’s 70th birthday, I lost her in 2003, when she was just 55. She never met my 2 youngest children.  The call came at 5:06am on a crisp October morning. It was a call I knew was coming. Things with my mom’s health had taken a turn the previous Monday and it was now Friday morning. “It happened last night,” the nurse said, “we found her holding the picture of you and the kids.”  Those were the words that crossed the miles from Minnesota to San Diego, the words that ended any possibility of having a normal relationship with my mom. I always hoped we would get the chance to try yet once again, to get it right.😞 My mom was a HUGELY complicated woman, drug and alcohol addiction plagued her life from a young age. Addiction combined with an unplanned pregnancy, marriage of necessity, another baby 14 months after the first, and finally my younger brother 5 years later in an attempt to “save” the marriage  created a world she needed to constantly escape. Slowly and

I couldn't believe it, I was walking through the doors to our home with my daughter! My girlfriends were waiting for me with explosions of pink and floral onesies, booties, hats, and receiving blankets. My friends had been annoyed by my refusal to find out the sex of my baby, they were now clamoring around me and planning a baby shower. As the afternoon wore on and the visitors started leaving, Stephen's sister Beth stopped by to visit and bring supper. however, Beth and I had been pregnant together, she had delivered her son a few months earlier. My relationship with Stephen's family had never been close over the years, however, we supported one another and shared in the joys and sorrows that we all endure. Beth had 2 boys and I knew with her 2ND pregnancy, she had hoped for a girl. I felt a bit uneasy during the visit because the gifts and boxes of hand-me-downs were all over the living room. I didn't want it to appear that I was gloating. I tried to find the word

I found out I was pregnant with Makaela when Max was 7 months old. My first thought as I watched that "plus" sign appear was: "Please God, let this baby be a girl." It was a thought I kept to myself, almost cherished. It was as though this baby knew my deepest desire and had agreed to be a girl. We chose not to find out the sex of our baby, so I was asked a lot about my desire for a girl or boy. I would always answer with: " It doesn't matter, as long as the baby is healthy." or "These babies will be so close in age, Max would love a brother." With each response, I cringed a little inside as these lies would roll off my lips. When I was 6 months pregnant, I had the most vivid dream. The face of a baby girl appeared, about a year old, her beautiful face framed in soft black curls. Her face was floating there smiling, and a voice whispered: "Malaela". I didn't tell anyone about this dream, it seemed silly and maybe even s

This year I have chosen to once again participate in the challenge to write every day for the next 31 days. This year will be a bigger challenge than past years, due to my travel schedule over the next month, and my oldest daughter's wedding on November 10, 2018. It is my daughter's wedding that is the theme for my free writes. Over the next 31 days, I hope to work out both in myself and on the page what it means to have my first child, my oldest daughter getting married.  Over the last year of Makaeala's engagement and during wedding planning moments, I find myself stopping and getting lost in thought, sometimes for long moments of time. I'll be in the store, or working at my computer and my mind will wander back and through the wisps of memories that take me back into the beginnings of what became my daughter and me. It is an odd thing to have a child get married. Makaela has lived on her own for over 3 years, why do I feel like I'm losing her a

This post is written in 5 minutes, no editing, no stopping, just WRITE! To learn more and participate click here: http://fiveminutefriday.com/linkup/ My oldest daughter Makaela is getting married on November 10, 2018. Aside from trying to figure out how I got old enough to have a daughter getting married, I've been thinking a lot about the beginning of things. The start, the spark, the idea, the time when anything seems possible. I love the feeling I get when the potential of a new idea seems limitless. On November 10TH, Makaela will walk down the aisle into the arms of her fiance, Justin and into the limitless potential of their new life together. At a wedding, we are at a birth of sorts, 2 become one and a new life starts, a clean slate, and a fresh new adventure. The potential with Makaela and Justin is limitless, their love for one another and the way they experience everything in life has been my privilege to watch over the last 3 years. My MK, my mini-me, my first

Flight School!! I paused on my 5Th flight to take this photo, well as much of a pause as you can take at 2000 feet right? In the rear seat is the amazing Austin Decker, the CFI(certified flight instructor) that is brave enough to strap in behind me! I arrived last Wednesday and moved into the dorms at Purdue. I remembered well, the day I moved into the dorms at the University Of Minnesota when I first went off to college. As I did so many years ago, I packed up my life and went off on a new adventure with excitement and anticipation. Able Flight wasted NO time in getting me up in the plane and I think my total fear blocked out any memory of that first flight, it was a mix of complete elation and total fear! As the week went on and through the kind and patient teaching of Austin and the Christina, I feel like I just might get this figured out and be able to fly. The patience and professionalism of these young people is incredible. Their passion for helping me le

This post is part of the Five Minute Friday Free write. No editing, just writing for five minutes on a one-word prompt. WAY Which way do I go?  How many different times in your life have you asked yourself this question? I find in my life, I'm asking it on a constant basis. I wish all I needed to tell me where to go or what to do was on a roadmap or in an iPhone. When I'm lost my GPS is introspective thought, meditation, and Prayer, ALOT of Prayer. The problem with those methods of "navigation" is they don't respond with any clear answers. I'm instead guided reluctantly to the realm of Faith. The realm of faith can be exciting, exhilarating and intoxicating. Faith can be soul-sucking, crushing and defeating. Keeping the Faith week after week, months, years until I've got nothing left to even search for it anymore. Which way do I go? I make plans, knowing they are hollow, fragile just beyond reach. I make them anyway, defiantly w

This is me!!! In the cockpit of a Skyarrow plane and behind me is the amazing and brave Austin Decker who has the courage to strap in behind me every day. He is amazing, patient and encouraging despite the many mistakes I make. There is so much about this experience that is so unreal. The first being that I am well enough to be here. It was just a year ago that doctors were telling me and my family to prepare for the worst, that things looked grim. As my family prepared for the worst, I took it as a challenge, they were counting me out and it just meant I would fight harder to prove them wrong! So slowly, day after day and month after month I regained my strength. It came with great sacrifice for my family, everything indefinite. no concrete answers, just blind Faith. However, slowly, step by step we made it here, to this, to flying. On November 17, 2004, at 2:00am, I stepped out of my van. kissed my 6 kiddos goodnight and promised them that in 2 days I would be home good as ne

Five-minute free write, no editing, no hesitating, just WRITE! STUCK When I moved to California in 1990, I was introduced to the amazing new world of ATV's(all terrain vehicles) and the Imperial Sand Dunes near Glamis, CA. As a midwestern girl who grew up thinking brown was dead and green was alive to find this desert oasis was incredible.  It was as though I was dropped in a whole new world and I couldn't wait to explore it! My 1986 Honda 250r and I explored every inch of those dunes after a very steep learning curve. There was no place like being out in the middle of those dunes riding as fast as I could, I loved every minute of it. When I arrived in California, I had never ridden an ATV in my life, however, I had ridden With my dad on his dirt bike as a kid and I was assured by the much more experienced riders, that riding an ATV was "close" to riding double on a dirt bike. For the record it was not at all the same!  The only real "DON