Day 3: She Is Born

I found out I was pregnant with Makaela when Max was 7 months old. My first thought as I watched that "plus" sign appear was: "Please God, let this baby be a girl."

It was a thought I kept to myself, almost cherished. It was as though this baby knew my deepest desire and had agreed to be a girl. We chose not to find out the sex of our baby, so I was asked a lot about my desire for a girl or boy. I would always answer with: " It doesn't matter, as long as the baby is healthy." or "These babies will be so close in age, Max would love a brother." With each response, I cringed a little inside as these lies would roll off my lips.

When I was 6 months pregnant, I had the most vivid dream. The face of a baby girl appeared, about a year old, her beautiful face framed in soft black curls. Her face was floating there smiling, and a voice whispered: "Malaela". I didn't tell anyone about this dream, it seemed silly and maybe even self-induced. I stored it away with all my other unspoken hopes and dreams for this baby inside me, tried to quiet my mind and wait.

"It's a girl!" The doctor and my husband shouted in unison. I couldn't believe it, was it really true? I looked down at the bright and beautiful face Stephen handed me, it was real, I had a daughter. 

Shortly after Makaela's birth, we were alone in the room. It had gotten dark and there was a sliver of light coming in from the door. I looked at her face, her deep black eyes,  they were not blue, like most newborns. Makaela's eyes were deep, black and soulful. I stared at my daughter wondering how this broken, motherless daughter could raise this precious baby girl.

I felt fear rise in me, this was selfish, this hope for a daughter. How would I do this? How would I find my way? The journey ahead was uncharted and this mother in charge was unsure of where to go. Would we make it? This motherless daughter, still trying to piece together just what had happened in her own life with her own mother.

I took a breath and stared at my Makaela as she slowly fell asleep, "We will do this together, with me and you." I thought, "We will do it our own way, make our own rules and chart a new course." I exhaled long and slow. I relaxed, it would be okay.

And just like that, the journey began.